It has been said that runners have their best thoughts of the day while out running. Runner and writer Michael Selman shares his "Thoughts on Running" with us here at ontherunevents.com.

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Even though I ultimately got to bed at about 3:30 this morning, I woke up at about 7:30, ready to run. When I got out a little after 8 and started my run, I started thinking about how nice it would be to take a vacation once I finish my current stint of training at the end of August. Then, I started thinking of who I might be able to get to write a guest column while I'm gone.

I ended up running a little over 6 1/4 miles, and when I stopped my watch, I found that I had run for exactly an hour. An even 60 minutes. (well, actually, my watch said 59:59.75. Close enough.) That nice round number gave me an idea of someone I might be able to get. So I decided to contact my close friend and fellow runner, Andy Runney to see if he'd be interested. He happily agreed.

Tick, tick, tick, tick. Beep, beep, beep.

60 Minutes (well, actually 59:59.75 Minutes) with guest writer Andy Runney.

<Whiney voice>Hello. I'm Andy Runney. Today, I'm going to talk to you about running. If you're a runner, like I am, you probably have a lot of things going through your mind during a run. I know I do, and my thoughts scare me sometimes. But you know what's even scarier? You just might have some of the same random thoughts that I do. Read on and see if it's true.

For starters, you're probably laughing already, because you can't picture me as a runner. I don't look like a runner. I'm short, I'm bald, I'm fat, and I'm old. But take a look in the mirror. Do YOU look like a runner? Maybe, and maybe not, but there you are, racing almost every weekend. It's not how you look. It's how your spirit moves you. Mine moves me to run, and so does yours. That's why you're reading a column written by a short, bald, old fat guy to begin with.

And besides, even if you're built like one of those skinny-fast runners from Kenya, when you're a mile into a 5K race, and you look around you, does everybody really look like the slim trim athlete I'm sure you are? I'll bet they don't. If you're like me, you're probably surrounded by old grandmothers, and beefy linebacker types, with maybe a 4th grader or two thrown in for good measure. Just by looking at the builds and the ages and the sexes of the people around you, it's hard to imagine you're really running as hard as you are, and you're still surrounded by people who look like they should be playing either dodge ball, football or shuffleboard.

And another thing. You know how the application says that the course is "gently rolling and scenic?" Do they really think you're not going to notice that they take liberties here? I mean, to me, "gently rolling" shouldn't mean that the uphill portions are so steep that you're going to scrape your knuckles if you don't hold your arms as high as you can over your head. I ran a race like that last year, up in the Asheville, North Carolina Mountains. By the first mile, I knew that it was all a matter of perspective, I guess. The only problem was, this was a half marathon, and was going to require a hell of a lot of "gutting it out." I've ridden roller-coasters that had gentler hills than that course. And while we're on the subject of course descriptions, what exactly do they mean when they say "accurately measured" anyway. Do you think they really check the air pressure on the tires of those pick-up trucks before they drive the course to "accurately measure" it?

And here's another thing about measurements. I thought they gave up on the metric system back in the 70's. So why do we still run 5K and 10K races around here, eh? Why don't they just have 3 mile and 6 mile races, so you at least know what pace you have to run for a certain finish time. Does anyone even know what you have to run per mile in order to run a 5K race in under 23 minutes? I sure don't. Kind of makes it hard to pace yourself. If we're going to stick to metrics, please someone set up a race where they call splits at the kilometer, not the mile. Otherwise, it's like mixing apples and oranges.

And speaking of apples and oranges, does anyone really eat those things after a race? I know that for me, I need REAL food to keep this physique as finely honed as it is. Apples and oranges just don't do it for me. That's why I always look for races sponsored by Papa John's or Subway. A few beers wouldn't hurt either. If I'm going to run like a man, I want to eat like a man. Apples and Oranges? No sir. Not for this macho man.

Here's one for you. Am I the only one who thinks that since I'm driving to a race, every other car on the road must be going there too? I could be north of Atlanta heading for a race south of Macon, but I'm sure that all I have to do is follow the car in front of me instead of worrying about following directions. Especially if the driver is wearing a T-shirt and baseball cap, he has to be going to the race, right? I can even overlook the cigarette hanging out of his mouth, the gun rack in the back window and the beer cans flying out of the bed of the truck. Hey, maybe it's even the same truck that "accurately measured" the course I'm driving another two hours to run.

I might be opening a can of worms here, but I think that Boston qualifying times are unfair to the male species. And it's even more unfair to some males than others. Okay, so they didn't let women run it at all for over 70 years, but that was for their own good anyway. So now, they can run, and they are given a full 1/2 hour more than men just to qualify for the same race. Is that fair?

Since the male species is the species of choice for me to be, the whole thing makes me hot and bothered. I also think that things like body type, excessive layers of adipose, and thinning hair should be factored in to the equation. For example, if you're a short fat little old man with a whiney little voice with thinning hair, I think that should be good for automatic qualifying entry into Boston. No questions asked. Why should I have to run as fast to qualify as someone who is 6 feet 3 inches, razor thin, who still has all his hair just because we're the same age? The fact that someone with genetics like mine is still alive at my age should automatically qualify them. I know other short bald fat old men who agree with me. Maybe we should get a petition going.

Next month, The Roads Scholar will be back. By the way, I've noticed that he has been published two more times in Marathon and Beyond magazine. I remember when he was just a lowly writer for a magazine called "Run and See Georgia" and now look at him. He's almost famous. Good thing he has a face for magazines, otherwise, I might have to start worrying about my job on 60 minutes. Or is that 59:59.75 Minutes?. Maybe I can just get myself a regular column here at the magazine, and some day I'll be famous too. Oh well. Until he takes another vacation (and maybe he never will once he reads this) I'm Andy Runney. Good night, and good running.<end Whiney voice>

Tick tick tick tick, beep beep beep.

The Roads Scholar, Michael Selman runs and writes in Atlanta GA. He would love to hear from you. Please e-mail him at TheRoadsScholar@aol.com with any questions or comments. You can also subscribe to his Newsletter at that same address.

Look here for more "Thoughts on Running" by Michael Selman